033 Etiquette

Manners & Etiquette: 

Some Thoughts for Savvy Folks

Probably I should be writing about St. Patrick’s Day, but the topic of manners has been dancing about in my neurons since the December holidays. At several functions, those both family-related and civic/social, I noticed a number of behaviors that call for some thought.

I hope that any of our readers who agree, disagree, or have pet peeves will respond! We “Broads” have found that we have readers from Hawaii to Maine and Florida and even a few outside of the country now. We love it. Non-Virginians, are your social graces different?

Maybe manners are more regional than I think. Amy Vanderbilt, one of the noted etiquette gurus, said “it is axiomatic that as we mature…we must be able to meet more demanding social situations with confidence and ease.” Thus, the need for manners. Using proper etiquette does not mean one has to be stuffy or old-fashioned. Consideration of others is of greatest importance.

Here are some of my pet peeves:

1.  RSVP = respondez s’il vous plait means please accept or decline. Do not ignore this request. At some point, I may have been guilty of this, but if I have, my most sincere apology. A few reasons for not responding according to friends and associates are that the date may be too far in advance to know if or whether one wants to attend. Or it’s one of many fund raisers and you wish the requesting group had asked only for acceptances.

HOWEVER, if you have ever thrown a party, you really DO NEED TO KNOW how many guests to expect. Besides, this is $$ - food, drinks, chairs, tables, etc., etc., etc. Most invitations include return cards or even email addresses. It is polite to use them.



2. THANK YOU NOTES – These should be as essential in everyday life as your business correspondence. If someone takes the time to send you a gift or has done something to help you, a thank you should be sent. Little children can send a crayon picture. Grown up people - please write a few lines of sincere sentiment.





3. HYGIENE belongs at home. Please don’t pick your teeth at the restaurant table. Say “excuse me,” and go to the restroom. Ladies should not comb their hair at the table (the American Academy of Dermatology reports we lose from 50 to 100 hairs a day). Are you grossed out yet? Lipstick at the table is a sticky question. Emily Post says it is okay if casual dining with close friends or family, but NEVER in a business setting.

4. SHAKING HANDS/INTRODUCTIONS – Mixed reports on this one. I was taught to offer my hand with a firm (neither wet, limp fish nor a bone crushing) grip when meeting people. However, with all the germs mutating around us these days, sometimes a simple word of acknowledgement suffices. But, for heaven’s sake, make the introductions. It is sometimes uncomfortable to have to introduce one’s self and particularly if the person says “we’ve met.” Help your friends out - just say “you’ve met Tom Jones, haven’t you?”

5. CELL PHONES have gotten out of hand. Maybe I am beating the dead horse here, but I don’t want to know your business. Don’t talk so loud, please!! If we are having a conversation or in a social setting, I would like your attention. And, oops, I am sometimes guilty of this one – beware Candy Crush addiction. I will try to be better! Of course, we know never to use the cell when driving. We do know that, don’t we? The man in front of me at the red light didn’t seem to know that this morning. And if I had rear-ended him, it’s my fault….hmmm. And I love that the Alamo movie theatre says if you use your phone, you’re out.

6. PUNCTUALITY – I was reluctant to add this one. I have always underestimated how long something will take me – even if it’s driving across town. My excuse is that I was reared in Clarke County, VA.  Clarke is a rural mecca of orchards and farms as well as historic sites. We also have our own Clarke etiquette for social events – 45 minutes after a party begins is the acceptable time to arrive. Five to fifteen minutes for other events and we are notorious for calling doctors’ office to see if they are running behind schedule.


You might enjoy this anecdote I tell on myself. Soon after we got married some 35 years ago, my husband and I had an open house for friends and family on a Sunday afternoon from 2-5 p.m. Goodness gracious, some guests arrived at 2 p.m. I was amazed. I was not yet dressed. Some of my ‘friends’ refer to me as the “late Mrs. White.”

To wind this up, etiquette and manners - whether you see the two words as synonyms or manners being part of the more rigid code of etiquette – are society’s ways to follow the “Golden Rule” and be considerate of others.

I admit to sometimes interrupting (bad!!), too many apps on my cell phone (annoying!!), and being late (rude!!). It’s interesting, though, that I know not to put my elbows on the table, to put my napkin in my lap, and use the silverware from outside in at a formal dinner, and that’s MY butter plate above the fork on the left! I can tell you the traditional order of a bridal party processing and recessing, but we have become so informal that some of my knowledge may be of little use. I wonder if the graces and rules of etiquette is why Downton Abbey has such a following. Let us know what bothers you, dear savvy readers.

Glenne        

P.S.  I had a #7 pet peeve – men who sit sprawled with their knees in my space – in church, on public transportation, in the theatre! However, my husband says I can’t use that because it is not addressed by Emily Post. I am going to research this!